I'm not really too angry right now... I am im not really angry in general either i guess... im just stressed and idk how to manage it.
On tueday december 1st my dad and brother under went a kidney transplant operation. My dads kidneys suck basically and my brothers are really great and he was a match. So that day and the build up to it was incredibly nerve racking.
The day before I was angry/sad that whole day and I was gving everyone atitude and I'm pretty sure it had to do with the next day but idk, like I didnt even know until that moment that I was nervous at all and then once i did... the angry and sad feelings went away and i was my normal self agian.
Then, tuesday morning came and my sister and i sent jimmy off to school then headed to the hospital. It wasnt until we were walking to the enternce that it all kinda hit me. Lizzy ran back to the car to grab something and i was left on the sidewalk to just stand and think and i thought about how they are litterally taking a kidney out of my brother and that it will be like empty there after. And then i started thinking about the way to clean smell that every hospital has and then lizzy came back and i tired to tell her was was going on in my head and she like... just stop thnking about it. So i did and i was fine like three mins after we walked in the doors. The rest of that day i was me... i was laughing, i was jokin around.... it was like everything was normal. Of course getting news that everything went perfect helped out alot.
The next day sucked quite a bit...
My mom wanted to sleep in, because the day before she was up at 430 am... so lizzy and i said we'd get jimmy up. However... the night before we didnt go to bed until like 3am... sooo heres where it starts to suck. I had my alarm set for 545, but i got woken up at 445 because i heard jimmy up laughing and chattering... so i laid him back down and covered him up and then fell back asleep for about 10 mins when all of a sudden he has a seizure. I was hoping it was only that one and that he'd be okay by the time he had to get up for school that ways lizzy my mom and i could all go see my dad and brother (because the nigt before we only saw them for like 10 mins and they were verrrrry out of it). So needless to say the siezures didnt stop... the kept going on until about 12 in the afternoon... not non stop but way too often for having had two of his pills that are supposed to stop them... anyway to put more on top of that, my nana was here for one.
I dont think she has ever seen jimmy have more then a absence seizure so when his eyes rolled back and i was stopping him from falling off the couch i think it kind of hit her heart... she just stood up and gave my mom a huge hug and said "i dont know how you do it... im so scared" she was choked up and idk i felt so bad but like all of my family has seen it so much that like we go into some sort of mode where we just know what to do and idk how to explain it... anyway he finally stopped having them and slept for most of the rest of the day.
The next day he was very groggy and just kind of stayed on the couch chillin, meanwhile my dad and ricky just kept getting better. Also this whole time the only way i was keeping in contact with my friends (who are like the biggest shoulder for me) was by texting and some five second phone calls.... i missed em alot! But the days after that things just got better and better...
Ricky came home friday afternoon and my dad came home last night... and they had a newspaper article written about them? It was cute.
And so, I am EXTREMELY happy that my dads health is increasin and that they are both doing as well as the doctors said they should and that they get to be home... but, (yes theres a but,) IT IS SO STRESSFUL!
I lost my bed because ricky needs somewhere to sleep that is not a couch. Really I am okay with that because I know he needs that. But at the same time, i am so angry and i miss the hell outta my bed. I miss being able to go in my room after work and just dive on it and lay there. I miss being able to go in my room when i want period. Also i miss knowing where things are in my room. All of the crap he brought back with him from Fort Drum is everywhere plusssss he bought a bass which in conviently in my room! I know i am 100% selfish for feeling this was but when I sleep on the couch I cant even fall asleep until other people go to bed or get off the couch and then i have to find a way to drown out the noise and it doesnt help that since i dont allow ricky to smoke in my room he has to come out here and then wake me up once i am asleep and then move my stuff and sit on one of my pillows! Sorry... haha had to vent about that... it just pissed me off so much and idk why but im just like i said before finding it hard to always be strong... like i want it to be okay for me to want my room and bed back but at the same time i dont want to because ricky neeeds that bed and i should be thankful i have somewhere to sleep at all... idk.
I am pretty okay with everything right now other than the fact my toe hurts real bad... but i am thankful to God that both my dad and brother are recovering well and that they get to be home and sleep here instead of the hospital.
However though all this... i had some songs that kept me sane and reminded my to be thankful of the life i have and all that good stuff :]
We Live -Superchick
Stand In The Rain -Superchick
Looking Up -Paramore
Turn it Off -Paramore
Psalm 73 (my Gods enough) -BarlowGirl
Stay With Me -BarlowGirl
Keep Quiet -BarlowGirl
Lost -Katy Perry
Haha i just realized those are all female artist... whatevs :]
Alright i think im done now... i know ur smiling on the inside.
Thanks to anyone who read this!
Til next time yo...
<3 Amberrrrrrr
