Long time not write huh?
Yeah well theres been things going on in my life and idk i just havent really felt like writing until today.
I'm one of those people who can take in alot of things and not really react. I can take the news of a family member dying and not cry. I can take the news of a family member going to afghanistan and not cry. I can take the news of a fmaily members kidney failing and needing to go on dialisis before a transplant and not cry. I can take angry family members yelling and crying and complaining and misdirecting their feelings and not cry. I can listen to someone elses problems and take it in and tell them what i think and not cry. However... lately things are getting hard.
I'm starting to not know how to be the strong one. I cant help but get extremely angry when i hear someone yell at someone else because they're sick and cant help it. I cant take the my parents argue all the time now. Like idk how to deal with all this crap i feel inside because i just dont know how to let it out. I want to cry but cant.. i want to scream but wont. I just need some kind of outlette. But thats realy hard becuase im home alot of the time and thats when all this crap is going on and it just gets worse and worse as the days go on.
I'm starting to think about when i go off to college and how thats even going to work. My mom is going to be working and so is my sister. My dad cant do much cuz hes going to be getting weaker from the dialisis and stuff... and thats when hes going to get his transplant. I dont even know if any of this makes sense to anyone reading it but its kinda letting me get crap out so i'm just going to keep writing.
I really just wanna take sometime for myself and just think and listening to music and just let everything in and let it all hit me.. but i cant do that like ever.
I like being in my room by myself but i cant do that alot either cuz i have to help out with my brother. And lately all i want is to be out of my house.. but thats hard too when i have no car cuz i have no lisence. Hahah life is just sooo poopy sometimes.
But when i do have time to sit and think i think about all the things in my life that are good. Like the fact that my parents really are in love even though they argue sometimes. My brother is alive even though hes living and sleeping somewhere wehre people get killed daily. I get to see my family daily and tell them i love them whenever i want to. I have friends that are amazing and support me through anything and are always there for me. And just the basic fact that i am alive and i get to be alive like everyday.
Well i lost my train of thought.... but idk yall get the basic idea.
At least i got some good music to keep me happy.....
Bye :]
i heart youu. sometimes you amaze me with how strong you actually are but you do know it IS okay to let it all out sometimes. i know its hard i used to be like that..part of me still is. but idk haha. if u dont let it out sometime who knows whats gonna happen one day! and dont worry, college will work out. you deserve it too. but you shouldnt feel like ur abandoning ur family by going either. i hope everything works out with that when you leave though.
ReplyDeleteeven though this fall sucked, ya know in comparison to just the comfort of high school and all of our friends and everything... i wouldnt change it for the world. i heart youu and im glad we hang out a lot. and fyi if u ever need to just get away like u were sayin, i can give u a ride somewhere. we dont have to chill if u wanna be alone ya know. just offering.